Grief has no schedule.
There is no compartmentalised timeline whereupon you can squeeze it into your life! When a person we love dies, we must grieve for the physical loss of them. I find this can be death by a thousand paper cuts and far from straightforward.
We can all
Love the same person and yet grieve completely differently. One person can bury themselves in work trying to find purpose amidst the chaos , some decorate their houses in a bid to busy themselves , others immediately set about grieving loudly & wildly, some go incredibly introverted and step back from society. None of the above actions are wrong.
In the early days of grief there is that feeling of being outside your skin , hovering above your body watching it do normal chores & tasks, observing it perform normal societal norms while inwardly feeling a part of you is missing and you will never be the same again.
You will never be the same again.
That’s not a bad thing , no matter how uncomfortable that makes those around you. Grief changes you. It breaks you and in the grieving process you are moulded into the next version of yourself.
Depending on your resilience you may come out stronger , more empathic with the world around you or you can emerge bitter & broken. Forever defined by your loss and at odds with the world around you.
You could be integrating the loss and living your life , until that first life event appears and grief as fresh as the day they left, arrives on your door.
There is no rule book or timeframe.
It’s the price of loving someone so deeply. You will always think of them. You will forever carry them in your heart.
You will see them again.
Your souls will reunite in spirit and you will instantly recognise each other.
When you ask someone how they are coping , the default , politically correct answer is ‘I’m ok!’ .
They’re not ok.
We have been programmed by society to ask & respond in such a way.
Let them talk about their loved ones, the good & the bad. Do not shame a grieving family member if they need to vent or release about their deceased family member.
‘Never speak ill of the dead’, is all well & good if your loved one was an amazing person. What if that family members addiction tore a family apart , or if they were a narcissist and destroyed a family by manipulation & gaslighting?
Allow that person to verbalise their emotions and if it’s too much for you , state that and mention professional resources that may help them integrate their trauma. You are not responsible for another persons emotions or how they regulate their emotions. This is especially important if you work in a therapeutic field as family assumes they can emotionally dump on you.
Be very careful here , as no matter what Phd or masters degree you have in psychology you are still human. You need to process the loss just like everyone else.
I’ve been feeling my nanny with me very strongly lately. Her spirit is free from the dementia that bound her earthy form here. I sense a lightness and a sense of freedom intermingled with joy. I’ve never seen so many robins & Jinny Jo’s!
I had this moment whereupon I was walking the Camino and my thoughts wandered to her and I almost laughed aloud! You cannot compartmentalise grieving. There’s no such thing as, I will take this time off and deal with this pain. The pain takes time. The integration of that heartbreak and acceptance of your loss does not have a format or schedule!
I came to the realisation that while time off helps with stepping away from the mundane and (perceived) judgemental gaze of others.
It offers a reset & transition into this new unwelcome chapter.
Rest & reframing is vital for our mental health. Nobody mentions how exhausting grief is either!
Taking time off or even a change of scenery can be a balm for our fragile nervous systems in the aftermath of a profound loss.
Grief is a tricky bedfellow.
Years later a familiar perfume carried across a summer breeze can take the legs from under you or a song from bygone years that you’ve never heard on the radio can literally stop you in your tracks.
I like to call these postcards from spirit! Your loved ones are letting you know they are at peace while simultaneously helping you with your grieving process.
The Japanese have a process called Kintsugi , or Kintsukuroi , literally golden (“kin”) and repair (“tsugi”). Kintsugi is the process of repairing broken ceramics with lacquer and gold, leaving a gold seam where the cracks were. The technique consists in joining fragments and giving them a new, more refined aspect.
The understanding behind it is the pieces are even more beautiful for having being broken.
The original piece has been transformed through suffering as something stronger , more valuable and meaningful.
You’re not broken.
You are being transformed.
Our lives do not go backward. Each crack and fissure is repaired by the golden wisdom & insight we pour into our souls. Until we have a roadmap of golden veins across our hearts. A sign of a life well lived and that you loved deeply & truly.
Mind yourself
Fiona x
