August blog:
Grief can ambush you unexpectedly.
Sometime it’s not the anniversary itself but the lead up to it that’s the worst.
It’s different for everyone of course and no two journeys are the same.
There is a before the passing and after. You are changed forever.
After the funeral and the sympathetic stares begin to dwindle. Life goes on.
For everyone else that is.
A cavern of internalised misery opens up within you , where you intuitively store all that repressed pain that’s ugly and display the politically correct face of stoicism and grace to the world.
No one likes messy.
Surprisingly, even those that have been on this road before you. They have no problem sharing their Mess with you , but god forbid you need help with your mess!
Not only do you have to bear the physical heartbreak of your loved ones absence, you begin to notice others absence in your life.
It starts with a text.
‘Thinking of you’
‘If you need anything, text me!’
‘Just giving you space!’
Here’s a tip. Very rarely will anyone who’s grieving ask you for help.
They are adrift in a sea of pain.
What they need is support. If that means you roll up your sleeves and sit with them in the trenches of pain, then you do it. If it means popping over and doing a bit of housework (without being a martyr and gossiping about it!) , do it!
Simple things such as meals prepared and sent over without fuss, vouchers for a local takeaway or just popping in with basic groceries can mean the world months later to a grieving friend.
I say months later as it’s unlikely they will be aware of too much around them in the initial aftermath.
They are literally too busy trying to put one foot in front of the other.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Nod. Act like a functioning human.
My Nanny is now a full year in spirit.
I almost missed her anniversary, if it hasn’t been for the tidal wave of visceral grief that hit me the evening before. This led me to checking R.I.P. ie and realising her anniversary was the very next day!
I spent her anniversary in peaceful solitude in my faery garden with the furries around me.
I’ve learned to honour my needs around my grief. Some people find strength in company , I find it in silence, and in nature where I connect to my centre and feel or simply sit with the emotion.
A Robin has started to visit me.
She sits on my water fountain , has a splash about and waits until she looks me directly in the eyes and off she goes until the next day!
It’s usually when I’m making a cuppa , which would be my nanny to a T! No pun intended!
Spirit will always find a way to give us a sign. A family can grieve separately and differently when it comes to their loved one in spirit.
For those that have accepted their loved one’s passing, the signs can be daily and joyful. However, for those in the trenches of despair , it can be quite sometime before they receive a sign. This is because they are heartbroken and are struggling to accept their loved one’s passing.
Therapy may not be for everyone , but it’s important if you’re struggling in your grief that you find an outlet for it. Somatic therapy , Bodytalk , EMT, constellation work etc. Find what works for you!
Nature is a fantastic healer.
If you’re an animal lover, walking in nature or a snuggle with your furry family member is fantastic for releasing endorphins in the body.
If you’re less inclined toward nature , listening to your favourite music can do wonders to soothe your weary soul.
Some folk like to make a big affair out of an anniversary , others like myself prefer solitude.
You do you Boo!
Do not let anyone grief shame you or tell you how to grieve. Your grief is as unique to you as your fingerprint.
Listen to your body . It will tell you what it wants, oh and for the record if that’s a spice bag followed by a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream …..that’s perfectly ok!
It takes time to adjust.
To let your bones settle into their new shape around your grief.
As for your loved one in spirit they are free. They walk with you regardless whether you can feel them or not. They are the Robin at the fountain , the smell of perfume in the air , the song on the radio.
They’ve gone home and will take you by the hand when it’s your time one day many years from now.
So keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out as they are right beside you , sending you the strength to carry on……
Le grá
Fiona
X
