Validation is a dangerous trap. We don’t realise how often we seek it out. We look for it from family , friends , peers and don’t get me started on social media apps.
The dopamine hits as someone likes your photo or comments on your post. In families we seek validation that we are the best son/ daughter we can be, in career the most efficient colleague , in friendships – the most loyal friend , in relationships the most emotionally available etc.
However, what we fail to do is make sure this giving of our time and energy is balanced. For if we do something out of a sense of duty or expectation of some kind of a positive emotional exchange, we are creating the perfect setting for attachment.
The minute we give our power away and look for ourselves in another, we will spend our lives tying ourselves up in knots looking for ourselves in the eyes of strangers; Gathering up crumbs of affection from social media interactions.
We also begin to see ourselves as how others perceive us and lose connection with our sense of who we are fundamentally.
When you look for yourself outside of yourself and seek validation from another, you are literally putting your beautiful soul in their hands and asking permission to exist in a space you already belong to.
You are giving your power away.
The very essence of your being.
You are also ignoring serious red flags. When you disconnect from your power , you disconnect from your truth. Which at its core is your inner knowing. Your psychic sat nav if you will! When you look outside of yourself for validation , you lose the ability to know yourself and to discern what sits right with you and what doesn’t.
We live in a world where superficiality is commonplace.
It’s very rare there’s not an agenda behind someone’s motives or a sincerity when they give their word.
Your beautiful soul deserved to be cherished & loved.
If anything I would be incredibly careful who I would allow into my energy.
Those of us who have ended up on the scrap heap of broken dreams & relationships. Who have done things the hard way (is there any other way?), can use the benefit of hindsight to glean the pearls of wisdom hidden under that husk of Shame. Some of my greatest teachers have been linked to moments of rejection and despair.
When my emotions had settled and I had taken accountability (sounds easy….it’s absolutely not!) for my compliance , I realised I had steamrolled right past FLASHING RED FLAGS!!!!
For I was so caught up in being validated and projecting my self worth on to someone who didn’t deserve a minute of my time & precious energy. To make it worse , I was looking for myself in a person that would never understand me.
All they saw was an opportunity.
My worth was tied up in my usefulness to them.
The more useful I was the more validation I received. As soon as I stopped being useful or at that point had become so drained from such a one-sided relationship I was discarded like a piece of worthless trash.
Which brings me back to the scrap yard of broken dreams.
However what other people call trash you can find your treasure.
A magical thing happens when you move away from draining people & places.
You start to take your power back. You start to make your own decisions and choices based on your needs & wants.
This period tends to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster as with the freedom , Also comes the grief of how much time you wasted on that soul sucking – lover-boss-job-family-friend etc! It’s very easy to sink into victimhood or martyrdom!
You will find yourself oscillating between extreme highs and heart – breaking lows.
The lesson is painful but once you learn it, you can spot the red flag waving as soon as you start to people please or dismiss a personal boundary being crossed.
You never needed validation. Those red slippers were on you from day one. The power has always been in you to validate yourself. You deserve to be happy. You have a right to be here. You deserve to come out of survival phase and into your thriving phase.
You do this by holding yourself accountable (not judgmental!).
You are fully aware of your bullshit. What you need to do. We all want the quick fix. The easy way. When it comes to spiritual lessons , that does not exist. There is only acceptance and with that acceptance comes surrender. When you surrender to the lesson it reveals the soul truth of what you must do. Here’s the kicker …..deep down you knew all along!!!!
So get out there and be gorgeously you this month. Set those boundaries and switch from survival mode to thrive!
You got this!